Wash with care, no tumble-dry
[characters created and inspired in collaboration with Diana]
In this little dorm room, on a desk, there was a blue coffee mug, with a little crack near the rim and a glued handle, next to a lit cigarette and a phone.
- Hey, old man! said the phone. What’s up with that crack? How come the girl didn’t throw you away, seeing how you are broken and stuff.
- You’re one to talk. Your glass back is also cracked and I don’t see you on your way to the garbage can, said the mug before taking a puff from the cigarette.
- Well I’m pretty expensive. It costs a lot of money to have one of me. And the back doesn’t really affect my uses. I’m high-tech, man. How much are you, a couple of bucks?
- I’m worth more than you will ever know. I’ve been with her since she was little. I’ve seen phones come and go. In 2 years you’ll be obsolete and then it’s bye-bye.
- Old timer, I didn’t mean no disrespect. I was just asking about what happened to you. Don’t need to go all rage on me. Would you, please, tell me what happened?
- What’s your name, boy?
- It’s B3N.
- I’m Mike. Well, Ben, it’s a long story from long ago.
- It’s B3N and can you tell me? The girl is taking a nap, so I got the time.
- Well, let’s see if I remember.
Before living in this dorm room, I used to live in this huge house, in the suburbs, where she grew up. In the beginning I was used by her dad. He would always wake up at 6 AM by filling me with hot coffee, mostly black and no cream, and walk me around the house until he would go in the backyard to smoke. That’s how I started smoking. After that he would put me on the kitchen table and have breakfast with the family. I still remember that old table. He didn’t have a mouth, but apparently he would always tell story from the days he was a tree. The only one who could understand him was this British barking sandwich maker. I found out about this from the coffee maker, but more about that later. Sometimes I think that the table was trying to get close to the little sandwich dog, because the parents would always find the table in a different place or position and the dog was always plugged in and couldn’t move.
As a coffee mug, I knew everybody in the house. We had my least favorite bunch, the coffee cups. Just a couple of stuck up pretentious pieces of porcelain. They would always say things like:
- We are the fanciest in the house. We only come out for prestigious gathering. Our floral pattern and gold rims are the clear sign of elegance. No one in the kitchen is worthy of addressing us.
They were just a wedding gift taken from a dollar store by the grandma. They weren’t that special and I think they new that. Maybe they were too weak to face the truth.
We even had a drug dealing and ex-user rolling pin named Rollin Escobar. He could get you a lot of special herbs, spices and enough white flour to mess you up. I still remember the time I tried some ginger powder. Couldn’t sleep for a week. Rollin was also in a relationship with the dishwasher, named Bertha. She’s the one that got him off the stuff. Before her, he was in a horrible state, rolling at incredible speeds, waking up covered in dried flour mixed with drool. When Bertha came, the parents put him inside her, alone, for a wash. They started talking, had a connection and started going out. I was happy for them, but the sound they would make in the kitchen. Let’s just say you can’t unhear that. After the girl got into high-school, Rollin proposed to Bertha and she said yes. It was a wonderful ceremony. If i remember correctly, the ladle was an ordained minister and officiated the whole thing.
Speaking of washing machines, we had a dryer and a washing machine. They were cousins and Bertha was the washing machine’s best friends. They went to the same school, back at the factory. The washing machine was named Betty, sweetest washing machine you could ever meet. She had this friendly personality, was very delicate with every piece of fabric she washed and never lost a sock. Rollin never sold her anything and she didn’t need anything. Everybody loved her.
On the other hand, her cousin Amanda, was the exact opposite. That dryer was a total bitch. She would lie, cheat and do an insane amount of drugs. Compared to her, the coffee cups were my favorite. Amanda had a foul mouth, almost burned a couple of socks. Even now I don’t understand how someone broken like her could convince the blanket to marry her. Knowing her, she probably manipulated the poor blanket in to doing this. Because of this I don’t regret my actions.
The blanket was the kind you would call shy, a little introverted and capable of getting along with everyone. I did heard he was a little into BDSM and the dryer gave him a lot of S, maybe more than he could handle. That’s what pushed him to have an affair with the washing machine. Amanda would always turn up the heat too much and call him a useless rag under the pretext of dirty talk, but Betty would be extremely gentle with him, always using extra fabric softener, almost as a therapeutic method. Surprisingly the dryer didn’t knew about this happening, but she was too busy snorting oregano and screwing the vacuum cleaner or multiple t-shirts at the same time.
But then, all hell broke loose when rumors of the parents wanting to change the washing machine spread around. The blanket became devastated, started buying every kind of drug Rollin could find and doing them to numb the pain of the possible separation. The dryer became suspicious and started asking questions.
- Blanket, what’s up with the sudden interest in drugs?
- Betty is leaving.
- Big deal! She’s just a useless washing machine. She was always the black sheep in the family, little miss princess.
- I love her! I don’t want her to leave.
- Say what? What did you just say?
- I love her! I love Betty!
- I think you did too much paprika. You don’t kno…
- We’ve been having an affair!
- Who?
- Me and Betty.
- WHAT! I’m gonna kill that bitch! Who does she think she is? Stealing my man. I’ll kill you too, fucking cum rag!
While this was happening, I was in the kitchen next to the sandwich maker and coffee maker.
- Bark! Bark! Bark! barked the sandwich maker in an English accent.
- Shut up, stupid dog! I said. Stop making that noise!
- He’s just saying that the table told him something bad is about to happen between the dryer and the washing machine, said the coffee maker.
- You understand him?
- I've spent some time with his kind and learned a couple of things.
- Bark! Bark! Bark!
- What’s he saying now?
- He says that Amanda is going to kill Betty and the blanket and that someone has to stop her.
- That sucks, but that has nothing to do with me.
- Bark! Bark!
- “Mike, please save Betty and blanket. I may be just an old table, but I know you don’t want something to happen to them. Their love is pure and it must be saved!”
- Damn you, old geezer! I hate that you’re right. Fill me up with coffee! I have an idea.
- Bark!
- He said…
- I understood that one.
Filled with coffee I rushed to the scene as fast as I could to stop the tragedy that was about to happen. When I arrived the parents, entered the house. I was put on top of the dryer and blanket, found dirty and filled with drugs, was put for a wash cycle. When it was over, Betty made sure that the door won’t open ever again and no could ever separate her from the blanket. The parents unplugged her, decided to replace her and give the machine away with the blanket inside.
Enraged, Amanda decided to break the power cable by jumping on the plug and thus smashing it, making it unusable, killing Betty for ever. That’s when I made my moved. Using every bit of courage I had, I tipped myself off the dryer, over the outlet and electrocuted every piece inside Amanda. I had successfully killed the dryer and saved the two lovers. I was sitting there on the floor, handle broken, vision getting blurry. I was half dead and on my way to the garbage can. I was at peace with myself and ready to go. But that girl had another idea for me. She asked her father if she could repair me and use me as her coco mug. He accepted and she glued my handle back on. Since that day, me and her have been unseparated. I became her one and only mug.
- Wow, old man! I never would have guessed. Respect! But what happened with Betty and the blanket? What about everyone else?
- A bird told me that Betty and blanket were donated to a repairman. He opened her and kept both of them together. They got married even. The sandwich maker was moved on top of the table and they are both happy now. Apparently the table tells the dog a goodnight story every night. Bertha convinced Rollin to stop selling and they planned on having kids. The coffee cups became more accepting of others after discovering rap music and something called EDM.
- That’s nice, Mike. You also got the crack on the rim from that day?
Dear boy, that a whole nother story of a whole nother time.
The End
In this little dorm room, on a desk, there was a blue coffee mug, with a little crack near the rim and a glued handle, next to a lit cigarette and a phone.
- Hey, old man! said the phone. What’s up with that crack? How come the girl didn’t throw you away, seeing how you are broken and stuff.
- You’re one to talk. Your glass back is also cracked and I don’t see you on your way to the garbage can, said the mug before taking a puff from the cigarette.
- Well I’m pretty expensive. It costs a lot of money to have one of me. And the back doesn’t really affect my uses. I’m high-tech, man. How much are you, a couple of bucks?
- I’m worth more than you will ever know. I’ve been with her since she was little. I’ve seen phones come and go. In 2 years you’ll be obsolete and then it’s bye-bye.
- Old timer, I didn’t mean no disrespect. I was just asking about what happened to you. Don’t need to go all rage on me. Would you, please, tell me what happened?
- What’s your name, boy?
- It’s B3N.
- I’m Mike. Well, Ben, it’s a long story from long ago.
- It’s B3N and can you tell me? The girl is taking a nap, so I got the time.
- Well, let’s see if I remember.
Before living in this dorm room, I used to live in this huge house, in the suburbs, where she grew up. In the beginning I was used by her dad. He would always wake up at 6 AM by filling me with hot coffee, mostly black and no cream, and walk me around the house until he would go in the backyard to smoke. That’s how I started smoking. After that he would put me on the kitchen table and have breakfast with the family. I still remember that old table. He didn’t have a mouth, but apparently he would always tell story from the days he was a tree. The only one who could understand him was this British barking sandwich maker. I found out about this from the coffee maker, but more about that later. Sometimes I think that the table was trying to get close to the little sandwich dog, because the parents would always find the table in a different place or position and the dog was always plugged in and couldn’t move.
As a coffee mug, I knew everybody in the house. We had my least favorite bunch, the coffee cups. Just a couple of stuck up pretentious pieces of porcelain. They would always say things like:
- We are the fanciest in the house. We only come out for prestigious gathering. Our floral pattern and gold rims are the clear sign of elegance. No one in the kitchen is worthy of addressing us.
They were just a wedding gift taken from a dollar store by the grandma. They weren’t that special and I think they new that. Maybe they were too weak to face the truth.
We even had a drug dealing and ex-user rolling pin named Rollin Escobar. He could get you a lot of special herbs, spices and enough white flour to mess you up. I still remember the time I tried some ginger powder. Couldn’t sleep for a week. Rollin was also in a relationship with the dishwasher, named Bertha. She’s the one that got him off the stuff. Before her, he was in a horrible state, rolling at incredible speeds, waking up covered in dried flour mixed with drool. When Bertha came, the parents put him inside her, alone, for a wash. They started talking, had a connection and started going out. I was happy for them, but the sound they would make in the kitchen. Let’s just say you can’t unhear that. After the girl got into high-school, Rollin proposed to Bertha and she said yes. It was a wonderful ceremony. If i remember correctly, the ladle was an ordained minister and officiated the whole thing.
Speaking of washing machines, we had a dryer and a washing machine. They were cousins and Bertha was the washing machine’s best friends. They went to the same school, back at the factory. The washing machine was named Betty, sweetest washing machine you could ever meet. She had this friendly personality, was very delicate with every piece of fabric she washed and never lost a sock. Rollin never sold her anything and she didn’t need anything. Everybody loved her.
On the other hand, her cousin Amanda, was the exact opposite. That dryer was a total bitch. She would lie, cheat and do an insane amount of drugs. Compared to her, the coffee cups were my favorite. Amanda had a foul mouth, almost burned a couple of socks. Even now I don’t understand how someone broken like her could convince the blanket to marry her. Knowing her, she probably manipulated the poor blanket in to doing this. Because of this I don’t regret my actions.
The blanket was the kind you would call shy, a little introverted and capable of getting along with everyone. I did heard he was a little into BDSM and the dryer gave him a lot of S, maybe more than he could handle. That’s what pushed him to have an affair with the washing machine. Amanda would always turn up the heat too much and call him a useless rag under the pretext of dirty talk, but Betty would be extremely gentle with him, always using extra fabric softener, almost as a therapeutic method. Surprisingly the dryer didn’t knew about this happening, but she was too busy snorting oregano and screwing the vacuum cleaner or multiple t-shirts at the same time.
But then, all hell broke loose when rumors of the parents wanting to change the washing machine spread around. The blanket became devastated, started buying every kind of drug Rollin could find and doing them to numb the pain of the possible separation. The dryer became suspicious and started asking questions.
- Blanket, what’s up with the sudden interest in drugs?
- Betty is leaving.
- Big deal! She’s just a useless washing machine. She was always the black sheep in the family, little miss princess.
- I love her! I don’t want her to leave.
- Say what? What did you just say?
- I love her! I love Betty!
- I think you did too much paprika. You don’t kno…
- We’ve been having an affair!
- Who?
- Me and Betty.
- WHAT! I’m gonna kill that bitch! Who does she think she is? Stealing my man. I’ll kill you too, fucking cum rag!
While this was happening, I was in the kitchen next to the sandwich maker and coffee maker.
- Bark! Bark! Bark! barked the sandwich maker in an English accent.
- Shut up, stupid dog! I said. Stop making that noise!
- He’s just saying that the table told him something bad is about to happen between the dryer and the washing machine, said the coffee maker.
- You understand him?
- I've spent some time with his kind and learned a couple of things.
- Bark! Bark! Bark!
- What’s he saying now?
- He says that Amanda is going to kill Betty and the blanket and that someone has to stop her.
- That sucks, but that has nothing to do with me.
- Bark! Bark!
- “Mike, please save Betty and blanket. I may be just an old table, but I know you don’t want something to happen to them. Their love is pure and it must be saved!”
- Damn you, old geezer! I hate that you’re right. Fill me up with coffee! I have an idea.
- Bark!
- He said…
- I understood that one.
Filled with coffee I rushed to the scene as fast as I could to stop the tragedy that was about to happen. When I arrived the parents, entered the house. I was put on top of the dryer and blanket, found dirty and filled with drugs, was put for a wash cycle. When it was over, Betty made sure that the door won’t open ever again and no could ever separate her from the blanket. The parents unplugged her, decided to replace her and give the machine away with the blanket inside.
Enraged, Amanda decided to break the power cable by jumping on the plug and thus smashing it, making it unusable, killing Betty for ever. That’s when I made my moved. Using every bit of courage I had, I tipped myself off the dryer, over the outlet and electrocuted every piece inside Amanda. I had successfully killed the dryer and saved the two lovers. I was sitting there on the floor, handle broken, vision getting blurry. I was half dead and on my way to the garbage can. I was at peace with myself and ready to go. But that girl had another idea for me. She asked her father if she could repair me and use me as her coco mug. He accepted and she glued my handle back on. Since that day, me and her have been unseparated. I became her one and only mug.
- Wow, old man! I never would have guessed. Respect! But what happened with Betty and the blanket? What about everyone else?
- A bird told me that Betty and blanket were donated to a repairman. He opened her and kept both of them together. They got married even. The sandwich maker was moved on top of the table and they are both happy now. Apparently the table tells the dog a goodnight story every night. Bertha convinced Rollin to stop selling and they planned on having kids. The coffee cups became more accepting of others after discovering rap music and something called EDM.
- That’s nice, Mike. You also got the crack on the rim from that day?
Dear boy, that a whole nother story of a whole nother time.
The End
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